Rodney Ohebsion, Liberal Hero Read online

Rodney Ohebsion, Liberal Hero

  Copyright 2011 Rodney Ohebsion

  https://www.rodneyohebsion.com

  Rodney Ohebsion is a liberal hero, and he knows it. Join him now on a quest to right the world’s wrongs. Or, if you’re a conservative, let him tell you that you’re responsible for the world’s wrongs.

  About the Author

  Rodney Ohebsion believes in free speech. Except if it’s on FOX News. He has nothing against Jews. But he really hates Israel. (So much so that he hates the descendants of people who lived there 3000 years ago.) He’s anti-religion. And pro Islam. He lives in America. But he prefers Europe.

  He shops at Best Buy because he doesn’t want them to check his receipt. He goes to the airport because he doesn’t want them to check his bags. He knows how great marijuana is, how racist conservatives are, how many horse tranquilizers Glenn Beck should be forced to take, and how many mental disorders stem from NLWROL (Not Liking What Rodney Ohebsion Likes).

  Introduction

  If you’re a liberal: Congratulations! You’re awesome! I’m awesome! We’re fair, rational, tolerant, pleasant, unselfish people who have managed to figure out pretty much everything, and we’ll solve all of the world’s problems as soon as we’re given the chance. [Wait. Let me just take a few seconds to give myself a high five for being an atheist. OK.] No one else cares about anything other than their own selfish aims and completely insane beliefs.

  If you’re a conservative: I hate you more than anything in the world.

  Merry Christmas?

  Last year, some Christian lunatic wished me a “Merry Christmas”—which is pretty much the most offensive thing I’ve ever heard in my life. As you might imagine, I immediately pulled out my air horn and honked it in his face before he could even finish saying “Christmas,” and I beat the crap out of him with my hardcover copy of The God Delusion.

  I then spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day driving around in a rented hybrid  (—I go all out during Christmas—), blasting Muslim music on its speakers, and using my megaphone to tell kids that there is no Santa—or God.

  I ended up getting into a fight with the father of some child I educated—which caused him (and not me) to go to jail (even though I started the fight with a God Delusion hardcover blow to his head); and his kids ended up spending their Christmas without their beloved Christmas-loving daddy, and with the knowledge that Santa Claus doesn’t exist. I even hung out outside of their home for a few hours, and used a spy microphone device to hear them crying about the “man who killed Christmas and put daddy in jail.” As you might imagine, I was very happy to free a couple of kids of their crazy religious delusions. (Making children cry due to some new knowledge is almost as satisfying as telling a woman she’s gained weight—which is something I do very often. After all, if I don’t tell them, how will they know?)

  All in all, it was a very Merry... um, Holiday. But don’t you dare say “Happy Holidays” to me, either. I find that even more offensive than “Merry Christmas.” After all, it acknowledges the existence of Hanukkah. (By the way, I’m not anti-Semitic—I just hate Israel.)

  I Want You to Be My Friend

  If you’re black, Muslim, and/or gay, I want you to be my friend.

  I’d really prefer a Muslim, though. (And if you happen to be the trifecta of a gay black Muslim, I’ll donate 10% of my unemployment checks to your local Mosque.)

  But I’m only looking for serious Muslims. I mean the ones who can easily be identified as one due to a beard, bow tie, or outfit that looks like it might be hiding a suicide bomb. And the ones who pray five times a day, every day, no matter where they are. And I really mean that. If we’re at a Kosher Deli and it’s time for you to pray, I want you to get down right there and scare the crap out of everyone. (I don’t normally go to Kosher Delis—but if I had a Muslim friend, I’d take him to one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Watching conservatives and phony liberals get scared by Muslims is to liberals what seeing the Pope is to Catholics.)

  An Islamic fundamentalist friend is the ultimate liberal status symbol, along with a subcompact hybrid and an adopted African child. Unfortunately, I can’t afford a hybrid or a kid—so I’m going to need the Rolls Royce of Muslims.

  What the Hell Is Wrong with People Who Don’t Like What I Like?

  I think the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders should add a new mental disorder to its list: Not Liking What Rodney Ohebsion Likes. In fact, that should be the only disorder. Everything else stems from NLWROL.

  And unfortunately, the world is full of psychotic people. Take my neighbor, for instance. Believe it or not, he doesn’t like The Godfather. I love The Godfather, and he hates it. There’s obviously something wrong with him.

  But he’s not nearly as bad as a cousin of mine who hates marijuana. I’m not kidding you! He’s not an anti-drugs guy—he just doesn’t like the smell and high of marijuana! What the hell is wrong with him?! The fact that he’s not locked up in a mental institution is truly disturbing.

  People who don’t like what I like are insane. I’ll bet Hitler would’ve hated Arrested Development. And the worst part is that other people actually think they’re right. They think they’re right—and they don’t agree with me! If that isn’t a mental disorder, I don’t know what is.

  There Are Too Many White Players in the NBA

  Whites makes up just 15% of the world population, and 25% of the NBA. What the hell is going on!? Does NBA stand for No Blacks Allowed? It’s like all of the league’s black players are Jackie Robinsons. Not only do they have to face life as the only black player in the NBA, they also have to come across three hundred other guys in the exact same situation.

  Whenever I watch an NBA game, I check Wikipedia to verify that the Union won the war. And then I go to whitehouse.gov to make sure that the KKK hasn’t taken over.

  As far as I’m concerned, there should only be one white guy in the league: Larry Bird. All other white basketball players should be sent to Africa as slaves.

  All White Actors Should Play Satan

  The other day, I saw a movie where the villain was played by a black actor. I’m not kidding you. A black guy was being an all-around asshole and about to commit a crime, and a white guy was trying to stop him.

  What the hell, man! I couldn’t believe my eyes. I immediately pulled out my air horn and honked it until everyone in the theater was half deaf. And then when the security guard came and asked me to leave (—the nerve of him!—), I yelled “Rosa Parks” at the top of my lungs and called the police and Al Sharpton. (I have them both on speed dial.)

  A black villain?! A black villain?! Is this 2010 America, or some gigantic 18th century Southern plantation? I won’t go so far as to say that it is in fact a plantation—because the black guy in the movie was part of a gang that included three even more evil white guys—but racism is obviously still dominant in the USA.

  As far as I’m concerned, every single white actor on the planet should play one role, and one role only: Satan. I want to see Hanks, Pacino, and DeNiro competing for Satan roles every damn year. A white actor playing anyone else has absolutely no place in a racism-free society.

  And we should try to put Samuel L. Jackson in as many movies as possible. I don’t care if we have to clone him 20,000 times—I want to see Samuel L. Jackson in pretty much every movie scene ever filmed from this point on.

  All McDonald’s Should Be Replaced with Whole Foods Markets

  I love Whole Foods Market. Sometimes I stand near the soy foods section for several hours, just to soak up the Whole Foods tofu goodness. And if I ever decide to have any children (which is pretty unlikely considering how I’m looking for any reason to
abort anything—except, of course, a cat fetus.), I’ll make sure he/she is born in a Whole Foods produce section. I mean, nothing could be cleaner than the inside of a Whole Foods Market—including a hospital room. (After all, I’ve never seen a hospital with organic walls.)

  Whenever I play Socialist Monopoly (—the game where everyone makes a comfortable living—especially the unemployed illegal immigrants—), I replace Park Place with Whole Foods market. (Boardwalk is Richard Dawkins’s toilet. And jail is a Billy Ray Cyrus concert.)

  McDonald’s, on the other hand, is to me what Satan is to a Christian fundamentalist. (Although to be honest, a Christian fundamentalist is also to me what Satan is to a Christian Fundamentalist. Islamic fundamentalists are OK, though.) I hate McDonald’s with all my heart, all my might, and all the piss I spray all over their Men’s Room walls and floors on a regular basis.

  Of course, I never eat there. But I do a lot of ordering. In fact, every time I pass by a McDonald’s, I go in and order a tofu burger, just to piss Ronald & Co. off.

  “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

  “One organic tofu non-dairy cheeseburger on whole wheat wheat-free bread, with a side of organic spinach and a grande acai juice. And put everything in a reusable bag made of hemp and recycled cat feces. Oh—and where’s your outlet? I want to recharge my electric vehicle.”

  It’s time for the government to turn all McDonald’s restaurant into Whole Foods Markets. And while they’re at it, they should give every person in the country $1,000 a month in Whole Foods Market health food stamps. Except for illegal immigrants. They should get $2,000 a month. After all, they’re hungrier than the rest of us.

  Socialism is Like Marijuana

  Socialism is like marijuana: it cures everything and has absolutely no side effects. None. Anyone who says otherwise (about socialism or marijuana) is brainwashed and/or evil.

  Capitalism has drawbacks. Some people take advantage of others, some people face tough situations, and sometimes the entire economy is in bad shape. Go to websites like the Huffington Post, digg, or reddit, and plenty of people will let you know that capitalism isn’t perfect.

  They’ll also let you know that socialism is perfect. It has no negative effects whatsoever. None.

  You can’t compare the pluses and minuses of socialism to the pluses and minuses of capitalism. Socialism doesn’t have any minuses. Tens of millions of people on the internet have realized that. They point out the flaws of American capitalism, they point out the benefits of socialism, and they never even suggest that socialism might have some flaws, too. It doesn’t.

  I Love Lucy: The Remakes

  I’m normally against the idea of remakes—but in the case of I Love Lucy, I think we need a remake ASAP. And I’m not referring to a fun movie remake set in modern times—I mean we should remake each and every episode of the show and destroy the originals.

  I Love Lucy is the most politically incorrect, inappropriate, pro conservative values show on TV today.

  For starters, just about every character on the show is in the habit of just casually pulling out a cigarette and smoking it as if it’s the most acceptable behavior in the world. That nonsense has got to stop. I mean, if you want to have a few smokers on the show, fine—but most of them should end up dying of lung cancer within the first few episodes. Oh—and don’t forget Little Ricky. Making him die due to second hand smoke will really get the message across.

  And for Dawkins’ sake, add a few black people to the show. Making Little Ricky black would be a good start. He should be the Ricardos’ adopted child from Africa. That’ll make his death even more dramatic. “Lucy and Ricky killed an innocent African child with their cigarette smoke!” That sounds like a winner to me.

  Oh—and be sure to add a few dozen homosexuals. That’s the sure sign of a politically correct show.

  Do Conservatives Know How Offensive They Are?

  It takes a lot to offend me—but all conservatives have always managed to do more than a lot, even in their sleep. (After all—odds are they’re dreaming about deporting Mexicans and killing blacks.)

  It almost seems like conservatives are all devoted to being as inappropriate and classless as possible.

  We’re talking about people who shove their religious beliefs down everyone’s throat by wearing crucifix pendants and naming their kids Chris and Christina, even though there’s supposed to be a separation of Church and State. We’re talking about people who cook with lard, even if vegetarians live on their block. We’re talking about people who have American flags displayed outside of their homes, without s Saudi Arabian flag next to it in order to promote tolerance and world peace. We’re talking about people who accepted the government’s 9/11 lies without question, even though George W. had every motive in the world to attack America.

  And most importantly, we’re talking about people who disagree with me! Disagreeing with me is the most offensive thing a human being can do. There is absolutely no excuse for something like that. None!

  What I don’t understand is how conservatives might not realize how offensive they are. I mean, what the hell are they thinking? When they’re being the conservative pieces of garbage that they are, do they actually believe that they’re not being pieces of garbage? How is that even possible?

  I’ll bet deep down inside, they know that they’re all assholes. I mean, as ridiculous and deluded as they are, there’s no way in hell they’ve managed to convince themselves that they’re not the scum of the earth.

  Why I’m Against the Mosque at Ground Zero

  I’m against it because it’s a community center, not a Mosque; and it’s near Ground Zero, and not on the actual site. We should build a real Mosque on Ground Zero itself. And when I say “we,” I mean atheists and/or the United States Government.

  And I’m not so sure that’ll be enough. In fact, I think we should turn the entire city of New York into one gigantic Mosque, and refer to Mayor Bloomberg as Mulla Bloomberg—or better yet, Ayatollah Bloomberg.

  After all, it’ll let the Muslim world know that we don’t consider them the enemy. And as an added bonus, it’ll really piss off Christians.

  Glenn Beck Should Be Illegal

  And I’m not just talking about the Glenn Beck Program. Glenn Beck himself should be illegal. He shouldn’t be allowed to be Glenn Beck. We should force him to change his name, views, wardrobe, and personality.

  Glenn Beck is a terrorist. He promotes views that might stir someone up and make him violent. And that being the case, Glenn Beck himself should be held accountable. If you make someone crazy and violent by suggesting that the government needs to change its course, that another country might be a threat to us, or that the country has problems, you’re a terrorist. Unless, of course, you’re promoting liberal ideals—in which case you’re doing your duty as a citizen.

  Every single recording of a Glenn Beck TV or radio show should be destroyed immediately, and Glenn Beck himself should be given a ton of tranquilizers, lithium, marijuana, mushrooms, LSD, and DMT, and be forced to watch truth promoters like Joe Rogan and Michael Moore until he sees the light. And then we can reintroduce him to the world as Fidel Magnus Aiden Obama, owner of a Seattle coffee shop and marijuana dispensary.

  The World’s Two Terrorist States

  The United States and Israel. Everything should be blamed on them. It’s all their fault. 100% of the time. And if FOX News is telling you otherwise, that’s because it’s a terrorist network. They’re all terrorists. They’re the source of every problem in the world. Stop the two of them, and everything will be fine. It’ll just be a bunch of people holding hands and singing the atheist version of Kumbaya.

  I can just see it now. Everyone’s holding hands. The head of Palestine is between porn star Sasha Gray and a member of Queers Undermining Israeli Terrorism. A Columbian coke dealer is right next to his longtime rival and the head of an anti-drug organization. The Iron Sheik is smiling at Hulk Hogan—who, by the way, is now
a Canadian Honda dealer. Everyone is making $73,000 a year, and all cars are powered by Matt Damon’s piss. Two and a Half Men doesn’t exist anymore. And Glenn Beck is a Qur’an distributor.

  The Anti-Texas Diet

  I just fixed myself a sandwich of 100% organic hemp seeds, purple lettuce, soybeans, soy-free tofu, and dairy-free goatless goat cheese, all on wheat-free bread wrapped in a cornless corn tortilla. And the sandwich is on a plate-free plate. On top of a table-free table. In a kitchenless kitchen. In my apartment-free apartment. In a buildingless apartment building. On land owned by Native Americans. Organic Native Americans.

  I have yet to take a bite out of the sandwich. In fact, I’m not going to eat it for another ten minutes. Why? Because I experience my food before I eat it. I stare at it, smell it, and sing to it. I take it on organic walks around my apartment. I tell it how conservatives have ruined the country, and how they want to kill all black people.

  I become one with the sandwich.

  And then I pick it up and eat it. But I only use my left hand—even though I’m right handed.

  It’s all part of the greatest diet ever known to man: the Anti-Texas Diet. Just do the opposite of what people in Texas do.

  Why I Don’t Use AdBlock

  You want to know why I don’t use AdBlock? Because AdBlock is for capitalist bastards. Real liberals use AdPunish—the only extension that penalizes websites for showing ads.

  Any time AdPunish comes across an ad—even a PSA—it starts loading and reloading pages and images within that site like crazy, just to run up their bandwidth bills.

  But to be honest, AdPunish doesn’t do nearly enough—and that’s why I made a few modifications to it in order to properly punish all ad showing perpetrators. My custom version of AdPunish does much more than just increase bandwidth bills—it finds any public data on the people associated with the site or the advertiser, and then it frames them of some sort of hate crime. In other words, if Tropicana shows an ad on orangejuice.com, AdPunish plus will send a bunch of dead blacks, Jews, homosexuals, and Muslims to the homes of their owners and executives, along with plenty of evidence showing that the murders had something to do with race, religion, or sexual orientation.