200+ Mulla Nasrudin Stories and Jokes Read online

  “In India, we have immense palaces with hundreds of rooms and lavished with gold.”

  “I’m not impressed,” Nasrudin remarked. “Why, in our country’s capital, we have palaces that are over 5000 meters long and…“

  And as he spoke, another Indian man came by and began listening.

  “…And 200 meters wide.” Nasrudin finished.

  “That’s quite strange,” the first Indian man replied. “I’ve never heard of a building with proportions like that.”

  “Well,” explained Nasrudin, “It would have been much wider if your friend I was talking to earlier hadn’t come back in the middle of my description!“

  How’s Your New House?

  Nasrudin: “How’s your new house?”

  Friend: “It’s great, except it lacks sunlight.”

  Nasrudin: “Well, how much sunlight is in your garden?”

  Friend: “A lot.”

  Nasrudin: “Then put your house in your garden.”

  Nasrudin the Expert Negotiator

  Cherries were selling very cheaply at the village bazaar.

  Since Nasrudin was known for his good negotiating, his friend asked him to purchase some cherries at below the already low market price.

  Nasrudin took the money and went to the bazaar. He haggled with the merchant for over fifteen minutes, and was able to buy them at a ridiculously low price.

  He then went back to the friend’s house, and was asked how everything had gone.

  “Great,” Nasrudin replied. “ I really gave the merchant a performance. I flattered him. I pleaded with him. I gave him all kinds of reasoning based on supply and demand, and the comparative value of goods. I appealed to his emotions. I really did a masterful job. And believe it or not, I convinced him to sell me thirty pounds of cherries for the money you gave me.”

  “Wow,” the friend replied, “that’s amazing.”

  “I know,” Nasrudin said, “and I did it just like you asked me. Now then, would you agree that I am also entitled to some reward for my work?”

  “Of course,” the friend replied.

  “OK then,” Nasrudin said, “since I did all of the work, I should get to keep all of the cherries.”

  The Sun Versus the Moon

  Man: “Nasrudin, what is more valuable to us—the sun or the moon?”

  Nasrudin: “Well, the sun is out during the daytime when there is light. The moon, on the other hand, provides light during the night when it’s dark. Thus, the moon is obviously much more valuable.”

  Lost Donkey

  Nasrudin was looking for his lost donkey, and at the same time, he was graciously thanking God. A man saw him doing this, and inquired, “Why are you so grateful and happy—after all, you just lost your donkey.”

  Nasrudin replied, “I’m glad that I was not riding the donkey when he got lost. Otherwise, I’d be lost, too!“

  It’s to Your Left

  Nasrudin’s wife woke him up in the middle of the night and said, “I have to go outside to urinate. Can you give me the candle that I left near your left side?”

  Nasrudin, quite annoyed* that he was woken up, and replied, “How do you expect me to me to distinguish my left from my right in the dark!“

  What’s the Word For Baby Cow?

  Nasrudin was visiting another town, and a man asked him, “What’s the word for ‘baby cow’ in your village?”

  Nasrudin couldn’t remember the word, so he replied, “Where I’m from, we don’t call a baby cow anything. We just wait until it grows up, and then we call it a cow!“

  Laughing Turns to Crying

  A man showed a compass to Nasrudin and asked him what it was. Nasrudin immediately began laughing. But just seconds later, he began crying.

  The man noticed his bizarre behavior, and asked, “What was that? Why did you start laughing few seconds ago, and then all of a sudden start crying?”

  “At first,” Nasrudin responded, "“I laughed at you because you didn’t know what that object was; but then I realized that I didn’t know what it was either, so I cried.”

  Yogurt Analysis

  Nasrudin turned to his wife one day and said, “Dear wife of mine, please bring me some yogurt to eat. It’s very delicious and nutritious, it keeps you lean, and gives lots of energy.”

  His wife replied, “We don’t have any yogurt.”

  “Oh,” Nasrudin said. “Well it’s good that we don’t, because yogurt tastes bland, it lacks food value, and it makes you fat and sluggish.”

  “Wait a second,” she replied, “Your statements are in direct contradiction with each other. Which one am I to believe?”

  “Well,” Nasrudin said. “if we had yogurt in our house, then you should have believed my first statement, but since we don’t, you should believe my second one.”

  Superstitious

  The village mayor was very superstitious. One day, he was on a hunt and caught a glimpse of Nasrudin. He immediately shouted to his men, “Mullas are bad luck on a Tuesday. Tackle him and throw him out of here!“

  They followed his request, and ended up having a successful hunt. The next day, the Mayor saw Nasrudin and said, “Sorry about yesterday. It’s just that I thought you were bad luck.”

  “I’m bad luck!” Nasrudin replied. “You saw me yesterday, and ended up having a great hunt. I saw you, and ended up getting an ass-kicking!”

  My Bag is Lost

  One day, Nasrudin entered a village and viciously declared, “My bag is lost—and if you people don’t find it, you’ll find out what happened the last time my bag got lost!“

  The villagers, quite terrified, frantically began searching for the bag. Minutes later, a man found it and and presented it to Nasrudin.

  Out of curiosity, one of the searchers asked Nasrudin, “I was just wondering, what would you have done if we didn’t find the bag?”

  Nasrudin responded, “I would have bought a new bag!“

  A Liter of Milk

  Nasrudin brought a small container to the milkman and said, “Give me one liter of cow’s milk.”

  The milkman looked at Nasrudin’s container and said, “A liter of cow’s milk won’t fit into your container.”

  “OK—give me one liter of goat’s milk.”

  Who is Your Best Friend?

  Man: “Nasrudin, tell me: who is your best friend.”

  Nasrudin: “My best friend is the person who will feed me the best.”

  “OK. I’ll feed you the best. Are you my best friend now?”

  “Friendship cannot be granted on credit!“

  The Punishment

  Nasrudin told his son to go get some water from the well. Before the son left, he slapped him and shouted, “And make sure you don’t break the jug!“

  The boy began crying, and a bystander noticed this and said, “Why did you hit him? He hasn’t done anything wrong.”

  “Well,” Nasrudin replied, “better to hit him now than to hit him afterwards if he does end up breaking it. That would be too late.”

  Take This to My House

  Nasrudin bought a heavy item from the bazaar. He turned to a porter and said, “Take this to my house.”

  The porter inquired, “OK-where is it?”

  “Are you crazy?” Nasrudin replied. “I don’t know you; you might be a criminal for all I know-I would be foolish to tell you where my house is!“

  The Bill

  A visiting Emperor was in Restaurateur Nasrudin’s town, and ate a meal of sheep meat in his restaurant. When the Emperor finished the meal, he asked Nasrudin how much to pay.

  “Fifty dollars,” Nasrudin confidently responded.

  Surprised to hear such a high figure, the Emperor said, “Wow, that is very expensive. Are sheep rare in this part of town?”

  “No, not really,” Nasrudin replied. “What’s really rare around here is visits of Emperors!“

  Sharing a Meal

  Nasrudin and a friend went to a restaurant to share a meal, but couldn’t decide on whet
her to order fish or goat. After much argument, the friend won the debate-they agreed to order fish, and informed the waiter of their choice.

  Just moments later, the friend noticed a man outside stealing his donkey, and ran out to try and catch him. Nasrudin immediately got up with a very concerned look on his face. Another man saw this, and asked him, “Are you going to go file a theft report?”

  “No!“ Nasrudin shouted back, “I am going to see if I can change our order before it is too late!“

  Adventure in India

  Nasrudin traveled to India on a business trip, and was very hungry. He found a man selling what appeared to be fruit, and bought a huge basketful.

  As he bit into one and began munching, it he began sweating profusely, tearing, and turning bright red; but still he kept on eating.

  As he continued to eat, he spotted an Iranian and said to him, “Friend, these are some very unusual fruits they have here in India.”

  The Iranian replied, “What! Those are not fruits at all-those are spicy Indian chilies, and if you continue eating them like, your ass is going to be on fire tomorrow! Those chilies are used in tiny amounts for Indian dishes; they are not eaten like fruit. Stop eating them and throw them away!“

  “Impossible. I surely cannot stop eating them!“ Nasrudin replied.

  “For goodness sake, why in the world not?” the Iranian asked.

  “I have no choice-I already paid for them,” said Nasrudin. “I am not eating food anymore; I am eating my money.”

  Pumpkin Necklace

  Nasrudin had a bizarre habit of wearing a necklace made out of a ring of pumpkin. One day, he went on a journey and was sleeping among a group of other travelers. One man decided to play a trick on Nasrudin, so he took the necklace off of Nasrudin and put it on his own neck.

  When Nasrudin woke up, he saw the pumpkin necklace on the man’s neck and thought to himself, “OK, I know that the man with the pumpkin necklace is me…so then-who am I?”

  Drink for Me, Drink for You

  Nasrudin was at the village study center. He said to his friend, “I am going to go get a drink of water.”

  The friend replied, “OK, add one for me, too.”

  Nasrudin came back a few minutes later, and remarked, “After I had my drink, I tried to have a drink for you too, but we were already full!“

  Nasrudin Visits the Cemetery

  Nasrudin was seated near a grave at the cemetery, grieving and lamenting, “Oh, why, why did he have to leave me so soon!“

  A man noticed Nasrudin crying and wanted to comfort him. He said, “Is this your son’s grave that you are crying over?”

  Nasrudin replied, “No; this is the grave of my wife’s first husband. He is the one who died, and left me the woman who has made my life so miserable!“

  The Right Language

  A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.

  Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, “Give me your hand so I can help you out.”

  The man, however, did not cooperate.

  Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

  “I collect taxes,” the other replied.

  “Then take my hand,” Nasrudin said, upon which the man finally cooperated.

  Nasrudin then turned to his friend and remarked, “Tax collectors speak the language of take, not the language of give.”

  Nasrudin is Convicted

  Nasrudin was in court for stealing a watermelon. The Judge exclaimed, “Nasrudin, I must give you a fine for what you have done.”

  “There is no need to do that,” Nasrudin said. “You can just use this against all the credits I have accumulated for the times I didn’t steal anything.”

  Nasrudin Loses His Memory

  Nasrudin: “Doctor, I can’t seem to remember things.”

  Doctor: “When did that begin?”

  Nasrudin: “When did what begin?”

  (THE NEXT WEEK)

  Doctor: Is your memory getting any better?”

  Nasrudin: Yes-now I can usually manage to remember that I have forgotten something!“

  Nasrudin’s ID

  As Nasrudin entered a foreign town, a border guard stopped him and said, “You must have some way of identifying yourself before we can let you in.”

  Nasrudin took out a pocket mirror, looked into it, and remarked, “Yes-that is Nasrudin.”

  Nasrudin’s Vacation

  Nasrudin was working for Nike, but did not show up to his job for a week.

  When he came back, his boss asked him, “Where were you during the last week?”

  Nasrudin replied, “Oh, I was just doing as I was instructed.”

  “What?” the boss replied.

  “Well,” Nasrudin explained, “I was going to ask you for a vacation last week, but then I remembered that our company motto was Just Do It.”

  “So?” the boss remarked.

  “So I just did it.”

  The Conqueror Needs a Title

  A new ruler just conquered Nasrudin’s town. He saw Nasrudin and asked him, “Hey Mulla, come here and help me with something. I am trying to think up an honorary title for myself. I want it to have the word God in it, just like other conquerors such as ‘From-God,’ ‘God’s Warrior,’ ’God’s Soul,’ and ‘One-With-God.’ Do you have any suggestions for me?”

  “How about ‘God-Forbid,’“ Nasrudin replied.

  Hungry Nasrudin

  Nasrudin, famished from a day’s work, came home and began stuffing food into his mouth using both of his hands simultaneously.

  “Why are you eating with two hands?” his wife asked.

  “Because I don’t have three hands,” he replied.

  Leave this Village

  The village mayor went up to Nasrudin and said, “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you must leave this village. The people have had enough of your bullshitting, and have all unanimously demanded that you leave immediately!“

  “Ah,” replied Nasrudin, “but they are wrong for asking me to leave. In fact, I would be far more justified in telling them to leave.”

  “And why is that?” the mayor asked.

  “Well,” replied the Mulla, “’tis simply a matter of fairness. It would be unreasonable to expect me-one man-to live somewhere alone in the middle of nowhere, build a house, and start a farm. The townspeople, on the other hand, can all leave together and easily form another village!“

  Fart

  Nasrudin was about to have a meal with the chief of a foreign land.

  The only person who spoke Nasrudin’s language warned him, “Make sure you don’t fart in our chief’s presence, for our people consider it a huge insult.”

  Nasrudin agreed and entered the dining hall.

  Minutes into the meal, however, he let out a loud fart, causing the bilingual man to immediately blush and turn to Nasrudin.

  Nasrudin, however, calmly explained to him, “Don’t worry-I farted in my own language, and your chief surely did not know what it was!“

  The Donkey Deliverer

  Nasrudin was hired to deliver seven donkeys to a neighboring town.

  As he went on his way, however, his mind began to wander. Minutes later, he checked to see if all the donkeys were still there.

  “One, two, three, four, five, six,” he counted.

  Somewhat worried, he counted again.

  “One, two, three, four, five, six.”

  Now even more worried, he got off the donkey he was riding and counted once again.

  “One, two three, four, five, six-seven!“

  Greatly confused, Nasrudin got back onto the donkey and began counting yet another time.

  “One, two, three, four, five, six!“

  Finally, he got back off of the donkey and counted once more.

  “One, two three, four, five, six-seven!“

  Nasrudin thought for a moment,

  “Ah!“ he
said, thinking he finally realized what was going on. “These donkeys are playing a trick on me so I won’t ride any of them. When I sit on one of them, they create some sort of illusion, and one of them seems to be missing. But when I stand behind them, they stop messing with me.”

  I Can See in the Dark

  A group of mystics began bragging about their incredible powers.

  “Every night,” one of them said, “I levitate my body and sleep on air.”

  “Well,” another chimed in, “

  ___

  After hearing them ____, Nasrudin added one of his own.

  “I can see in the dark,” he declared.

  “Oh yeah,” one of them retorted, “then why are you always walking around at night with a torch in your hand?”

  “Simple,” Nasrudin replied. “That way, nobody else will bump into me!“

  Boasting Warriors

  A group of soldiers were at the village square bragging about their accomplishments in a recent battle.

  “We obliterated them,” said one of the men. “We were invincible. I myself killed about a dozen of their best men.”

  “And I,” added another, “caught an arrow that was headed towards me, threw it back at the shooter, and nailed him right in the heart!“

  A third man chimed in, “I We are surely the greatest warriors this town has ever known!“

  As they bragged and the villagers oowed and awed, Nasrudin stood up and proclaimed, “Well, back in my day, when I was in battle, I once took my sword and chopped off my enemy’s arm!“